Angel made his way over to Spike and took the beer out of his hand, because whatever came next he really didn't want him to be getting even more inebriated than he probably already was.
Once the bottle was put aside, he went over to sit next to spike on the bed, batting his hands away from his shirt buttons.
"I want to talk about why you want to do this all of a sudden."
"Oi! My beer!" That was going too far. Huffing, Spike shuffled away from Angel and made distance. Sexy.
"I dunno why! I had this idea in my head and it was all -- well, just. I'm horny and we're going to get this thing over and done with. Then I can go back to Drusilla and we're ... we're done, you know? Cause I don't like you or nothing, you big poof. It's just that -- well, we gotta, don't we?" When in doubt, sex. And Angel was now this unobtainable thing, this giant in his life that represented so much he wanted to conquer. And somehow, fucking was the answer.
Because what else did he do? Talk? Pfft. As if.
"Afraid I'm better than you?" Better than Angel at sex. Clearly. Spike raised his hand stubbornly and went back to his shirt to undo the button he was on before.
"You can fuck people you don't like... I can, anyway. Don't have to be in love to -- Well, not to say me and Dru aren't but you can." General you. Not his you though. He'd never done it when it wasn't for love... he'd never done it outside of Drusilla, actually, so this alone was a weird new experience.
Suddenly, he stood up, dramatic as always, pacing in an agitated way.
"I mean like what? You kissed me but you're too good to fuck me? Oh please! I'm not some needy little bastard, I'm not about to beg for it. Suddenly I'm all beneath you and..." Okay, this sucked. He hated this. How did his plan backfire? It was so simple. It was just sex! He glared at Angel accusingly. "For God sake, how the fuck did you manage to ruin sex? You're such a prick."
Spike launched forward and shoved Angel hard, reacting on anger instead of anything else because anger was a safe emotion. He understood anger. He didn't understand whatever this all was but he did know that he was being rejected and nope, that never went well for him.
"You come along and you mess with my bleeding head, play all these sodding games and suddenly you don't want me? Like what? Too good for Spike now are you so you've got to make it all about doing me a favour. Fuck off! I'm onto you, mate. I know your game."
Usually, this would be where Angel let things escalate into a typical fight, but this time he just didn't have it in him. There was something far too wounded about Spike for that to seem even remotely right.
So instead he grabbed hold of him to wrap him up in a tight hug, even if he was aware that it might all go sideways and turn into a wrestling match.
"Okay, so how about this then: Did it occur to you that maybe I don't feel great about someone having sex with me just to get me out of their system? That maybe I have a feeling or two that can actually be hurt from time to time?"
"Get off me! What are you doing?" Oh shit, he was being hugged. Hugged by Angel. Oh God, it was a bloody pity hug, wasn't it? He wriggled in the grip a little, growling angrily and yet, not breaking it despite his pride hating every inch of him right now.
"Since when do you feel! I know you. Angelus. I know your fucking games, you're just -- just messing with me. And now it's all wrong and I dunno how to fix it!"
And Drusilla didn't know if Spike was hers and he thought about Angel and everything was wrong. He wanted it to stop. "It's all your fault!"
It really was all his fault, and he couldn't fix it. Couldn't fix any of it.
But if he was going to stand there and hate himself he might as well hold Spike while he was doing it, because it was pretty clear that he really needed someone to give a shit about him right now. That wasn't usually Angel's job, but considering how weird things were being maybe this made about as much sense as anything else.
"I don't know! I just did. Why does everyone keep asking me?"
It was kind of obvious why but Spike didn't want to answer because he was working himself up so much, so angry and yet there was this odd aching sadness in him as he let Angel hold him... weird.
"You -- You were baiting me and I just wanted to show you, s'all. Doesn't mean I'm bent."
"Yeah, I should know better. People keep asking me too."
And did he have a fucking clue? No, not really.
Having Spike in his arms like this was actually the most solid thing he'd felt in a while, which was a pretty damn terrifying thought.
"Well, you showed me, didn't you? You kissed me, and like an asshole I had to go and make you kiss me again even though it cost me the best thing in my life. Meanwhile, you still have Dru. If this is about winning... you've pretty much done it, I think."
"But I don't know if I do. She's my everything and I think she's slipping. She's slipping from me and I don't know what to do. She thought this but -- it's not working like I thought it would."
A quick fuck and then it was over, he had scratched that itch and moved forward. And yet, it didn't seem that simple.
Huh... so he couldn't just fuck away his problems. Who knew?
"If I lose her, I'll die." Which wasn't exaggeration. How did he even live without her? "There ain't no winning here, is there? Thought I could win it. One up you. S'not working out for me."
"I love Dru, but she's not really much of a problem solver."
Not her fault, of course, he was just saying.
"If you lose her, your heart will break and your world will shatter... but you won't die. Trust me. Not that I think you'll lose her in the first place."
He leaned his cheek against Spike's overly gelled hair, body relaxing a little from the permanent tension it was in these days.
So maybe this hug was a little bit needed on his end as well.
"Like you'd know anything about love. It'd kill me."
So there. Ha.
He didn't shove Angel off and he didn't reject the hug, not any more, no since he'd relaxed into it. Whatever. Maybe he did need it. Still felt like a berk standing around hugging like a bunch of nancys but it's not like anyone would see them.
"Why did you kiss me?"
He had to ask, he was curious. "Seriously though. You dicking around with me or what? Cause suddenly you don't want to get all physical."
Yeah, it was pretty damn ridiculous, but it seemed to be working for them so Angel was just going to go with the flow.
"I'm just trying not to be a dick. Because I really was when I kissed you. I could feel all that power play bullshit stirring back up again and I don't want to do that to anyone. Not anymore."
Not when the scales were already too damn uneven.
"And I guess I kissed you because it felt good, even if it shouldn't have."
Not a thing he was proud to admit, but he'd already lost everything that mattered so he might as well give Spike's obnoxious ego a bit of a stroke.
"Oh, don't act like it was some great burden of guilt, like you stole my innocence or did something truly horrendous. So cheated on Summers. You kissed me and it happened, nothing to sulk over, is it? At least I'm a good kisser." Just saying. Spike smirked and tried to ignore that overwhelming urge to say something nice or try to kiss him again.
God, what was in the air tonight?
"I really got you back good this time, didn't I? Ruining your 'true love' and fucking everything up for you. Dunno why, just can't ever help myself. Got to make you suffer, don't I? You always did it to me."
And now it was his turn and it was strangely exhausting. To make someone suffer constantly to the point of losing his own grasp on who owed who what and why.
"That's why it makes sense. Poetry, kinda, isn't it? We fuck each other over. Why not fuck?"
Fuckception... God, what a dork. Why did he ever find this guy cool? Rolling his eyes, he moved away from Angel and sniffed, determined to hide any real emotion from him, turning away with an almost sulking attitude.
"Well, all right then. Fuck off if you're not looking to fuck."
"Dunno, started at the bar and then that lot there." He gestured at the bottles on his table and turned around, walking into the dressed by accident. Okay, maybe he had a few but he needed the confidence. "I like my drink, what can I say?" It helped him to cope a lot. To forget things.
"You gave me my first drink. Remember that?" He near threw up after it.
"Cause you gave me the strong stuff, you prick!" He wasn't a wuss or anything, it was just Angel. Fucking up as always. "You sent me home like it. Me ol' mum had a bloody--"
He cut himself off because thinking of his mom was a big no. He huffed and dropped down on his bed, rubbing his forehead.
He walked up to Spike and took hold of his jaw to tilt his face up toward him, as gentle as he could be even if the whole thing probably still reeked of Liam.
"And I've always been picky, you know that. But it's not about that, it's about being able to give consent properly."
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Once the bottle was put aside, he went over to sit next to spike on the bed, batting his hands away from his shirt buttons.
"I want to talk about why you want to do this all of a sudden."
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"I dunno why! I had this idea in my head and it was all -- well, just. I'm horny and we're going to get this thing over and done with. Then I can go back to Drusilla and we're ... we're done, you know? Cause I don't like you or nothing, you big poof. It's just that -- well, we gotta, don't we?" When in doubt, sex. And Angel was now this unobtainable thing, this giant in his life that represented so much he wanted to conquer. And somehow, fucking was the answer.
Because what else did he do? Talk? Pfft. As if.
"Afraid I'm better than you?" Better than Angel at sex. Clearly. Spike raised his hand stubbornly and went back to his shirt to undo the button he was on before.
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The thought was sharper than a razor blade, but somehow for once none of those edges made their way out of him to slash at Spike.
"We don't have to do anything. Especially if you don't like me."
That might have been a twisted kind of turn on for him in the past, but those days were behind him.
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Suddenly, he stood up, dramatic as always, pacing in an agitated way.
"I mean like what? You kissed me but you're too good to fuck me? Oh please! I'm not some needy little bastard, I'm not about to beg for it. Suddenly I'm all beneath you and..." Okay, this sucked. He hated this. How did his plan backfire? It was so simple. It was just sex! He glared at Angel accusingly. "For God sake, how the fuck did you manage to ruin sex? You're such a prick."
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Angel got to his feet as well, stopping Spike mid-pace by taking a fairly gentle hold of his arms.
"I don't really think you want to have sex with someone you don't like. I don't think that would make you feel good at all."
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Spike launched forward and shoved Angel hard, reacting on anger instead of anything else because anger was a safe emotion. He understood anger. He didn't understand whatever this all was but he did know that he was being rejected and nope, that never went well for him.
"You come along and you mess with my bleeding head, play all these sodding games and suddenly you don't want me? Like what? Too good for Spike now are you so you've got to make it all about doing me a favour. Fuck off! I'm onto you, mate. I know your game."
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So instead he grabbed hold of him to wrap him up in a tight hug, even if he was aware that it might all go sideways and turn into a wrestling match.
"Okay, so how about this then: Did it occur to you that maybe I don't feel great about someone having sex with me just to get me out of their system? That maybe I have a feeling or two that can actually be hurt from time to time?"
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"Since when do you feel! I know you. Angelus. I know your fucking games, you're just -- just messing with me. And now it's all wrong and I dunno how to fix it!"
And Drusilla didn't know if Spike was hers and he thought about Angel and everything was wrong. He wanted it to stop. "It's all your fault!"
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It really was all his fault, and he couldn't fix it. Couldn't fix any of it.
But if he was going to stand there and hate himself he might as well hold Spike while he was doing it, because it was pretty clear that he really needed someone to give a shit about him right now. That wasn't usually Angel's job, but considering how weird things were being maybe this made about as much sense as anything else.
"Why did you kiss me, Spike?"
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It was kind of obvious why but Spike didn't want to answer because he was working himself up so much, so angry and yet there was this odd aching sadness in him as he let Angel hold him... weird.
"You -- You were baiting me and I just wanted to show you, s'all. Doesn't mean I'm bent."
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And did he have a fucking clue? No, not really.
Having Spike in his arms like this was actually the most solid thing he'd felt in a while, which was a pretty damn terrifying thought.
"Well, you showed me, didn't you? You kissed me, and like an asshole I had to go and make you kiss me again even though it cost me the best thing in my life. Meanwhile, you still have Dru. If this is about winning... you've pretty much done it, I think."
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A quick fuck and then it was over, he had scratched that itch and moved forward. And yet, it didn't seem that simple.
Huh... so he couldn't just fuck away his problems. Who knew?
"If I lose her, I'll die." Which wasn't exaggeration. How did he even live without her? "There ain't no winning here, is there? Thought I could win it. One up you. S'not working out for me."
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Not her fault, of course, he was just saying.
"If you lose her, your heart will break and your world will shatter... but you won't die. Trust me. Not that I think you'll lose her in the first place."
He leaned his cheek against Spike's overly gelled hair, body relaxing a little from the permanent tension it was in these days.
So maybe this hug was a little bit needed on his end as well.
Just a little.
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So there. Ha.
He didn't shove Angel off and he didn't reject the hug, not any more, no since he'd relaxed into it. Whatever. Maybe he did need it. Still felt like a berk standing around hugging like a bunch of nancys but it's not like anyone would see them.
"Why did you kiss me?"
He had to ask, he was curious. "Seriously though. You dicking around with me or what? Cause suddenly you don't want to get all physical."
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"I'm just trying not to be a dick. Because I really was when I kissed you. I could feel all that power play bullshit stirring back up again and I don't want to do that to anyone. Not anymore."
Not when the scales were already too damn uneven.
"And I guess I kissed you because it felt good, even if it shouldn't have."
Not a thing he was proud to admit, but he'd already lost everything that mattered so he might as well give Spike's obnoxious ego a bit of a stroke.
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God, what was in the air tonight?
"I really got you back good this time, didn't I? Ruining your 'true love' and fucking everything up for you. Dunno why, just can't ever help myself. Got to make you suffer, don't I? You always did it to me."
And now it was his turn and it was strangely exhausting. To make someone suffer constantly to the point of losing his own grasp on who owed who what and why.
"That's why it makes sense. Poetry, kinda, isn't it? We fuck each other over. Why not fuck?"
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"Fuckception."
He could comment on the rest of what Spike said, but really what was there to say about all that? It was all just a big clusterfuck.
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Fuckception... God, what a dork. Why did he ever find this guy cool? Rolling his eyes, he moved away from Angel and sniffed, determined to hide any real emotion from him, turning away with an almost sulking attitude.
"Well, all right then. Fuck off if you're not looking to fuck."
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"How much have you had to drink tonight?"
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"You gave me my first drink. Remember that?" He near threw up after it.
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Because he'd been a kid and not supposed to handle it.
"And if you really wanted to have sex with me tonight you shouldn't have gotten drunk."
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He cut himself off because thinking of his mom was a big no. He huffed and dropped down on his bed, rubbing his forehead.
"Didn't think you'd be so picky, did I?"
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He walked up to Spike and took hold of his jaw to tilt his face up toward him, as gentle as he could be even if the whole thing probably still reeked of Liam.
"And I've always been picky, you know that. But it's not about that, it's about being able to give consent properly."
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It was easier to make distance from the situation with gentle teasing that want for much more or let himself feel anything real.
"If I wanted it, I could say yeah drunk... done it before, doesn't make a difference. Stop trying to coddle me."
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Just to drive the point home that he wasn't the man he once was, he let go of Spike to sit down on his knees in front of him.
"What did you need the Irish courage for?"
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