savemandy | College AU

"Oh Dru, love, what are you doing?" Sighing, Spike crawled onto the bed and just lay down beside her, head on the pillow and plenty content. Well, in theory, he always loved to lie with Drusilla but he was concerned, she was having an off moment and it was always hard to tell if it was because the laundry machine beeped wrong or her meds were messing with her.

"What's up, princess? Can I darken your mind for you?"

"If it stops being bright, how will you ever see?" It seemed like a valid question to Drusilla and she turned her head so it rested against his shoulder, relaxing a little in his presence, her hands no longer pressing down on her eyes. "Do you ever think that maybe I am just something you imagined and one day, when you don't need me no more, I'll just be forgotten and you won't look back?"

She lifted her hands above her, making shapes with them for whatever reason. "I wonder if I'll just be gone or if I'll feel alone first."

"I would never forget you. You're not something I imagine, you're the most important part of my bleeding life. I've known you longer than I've not known you." Which was true, they met young and while William had no real way to connect with her, he was always drawn to her. Always determined to protect her, to love her. That was what he was for her - the valiant knight. "Couldn't ever forget you, luv. You're part of me, yeah? This part."

He tapped where his heart was before raising his hand to idly stroke her hair back. "What made you think such rot?"

"I think someone whispered it to me. They seemed honest enough, for bees, so I believed them." Drusilla finally lowered her hands, just leaving them by her side. She tightened them to fists and started pressing her nails into her palms, leaving little half-moon marks. So that was real, it felt like it was. "Were you with Angel? Or was that in the past? Or will it be?"

"Haven't seen him, pet. Don't want to. He's a right ponce, making me feel bad. He's the one who kissed me so it's not my fault he's alone." But Spike did feel bad, kind of, for what happened. He didn't take pleasure in ruining love and he had so many confusing feelings about Angel that he was riddled with a lot of unhappy feelings.

He didn't want to think about anyone but Drusilla. He only wanted her. "Were you with him? I know you're always lurking about him."

Drusilla shifted a little, so she was on her side and could properly look at him. She started running her fingers through his hair, frowning as she tried to clear his head. Such a mess to untangle. No wonder he was so frustrated. "I wasn't. Not like that. He won't come in me any more. He doesn't love me like that. He doesn't want me like that."

She leaned forward and kissed Spike's cheek. "You should have him in you."

"Can't have him. Don't want to. I got you, love. I only want you." Drusilla was his safety net, his true love, the only person who really ever got him. He couldn't ever lose her or cheat on her, it wasn't even an option. But then there was so many other issues, so many messed up feelings. Love was so broad, so endless for Spike. All consuming. One niggling inch of it could take over his whole being.

Angel was a itch he had to scratch but he just didn't want to. He just wanted Drusilla to make it all better. "I'm yours."

"I know you are." She kissed his head, nuzzled him. "My darling boy." Her sweet William. Drusilla let the silence wrap around them for a while, listening to Spike breathe, waiting for it to perhaps calm down. She didn't know if it would. Finally she spoke again, keeping her voice down.

"Can't you feel him? He's under your skin."

"I know he is but what do I do about him?" Drusilla had all the answer, she knew what best to do and all. He crawled closer to her and pulled her in to his arms, wanting to keep her close and his, safe from anything else. Why couldn't it just be them alone in the world with no one else around? All he wanted was a world made for them.

And yet... here he was. "I dunno what to do."

"Oh, my Spike." She curled up against him, letting herself be held with him, knowing well that he perchance gained more comfort from it than she did. "Such a mess we've made. You love so strongly." He loved too much. Drusilla curled her fingers against his chest, pressing her palm over his heart. "Can you get over him if you can't get under him?"

"... Don't know until we find out but -- but I can't do that to you, love." He couldn't cheat on Dru! Yes, she'd sort of cheated on him. A lot. Well, often but she was nuts and she had a way with people, they were pretty open relationship wise - mostly on her side but Spike had never strayed. He was so painfully loyal, he hadn't strayed since she'd first hit on him.

Except that kiss... that was his first experience outside of Drusilla. "I hate upsetting you."

"When you kissed Angel, what were you thinking?" She sounded curious as she begun playing with his hair once more, careful not to mess it up. Maybe she could wash it later, then she could play with his curls and he wouldn't mind at all. She watched her fingers and his hair seemed to glow today. Maybe all of him was glowing. It was good, it gave her mind a break. She didn't have to light up all the world when he was there to do it for her.

"I weren't thinking, was I? Just did it." He wasn't really. Just anger and hate boiling over into something confusing and weird. He hated it a lot. He missed how he used to feel, before everything became a mess. He didn't know what to feel about Angel if it wasn't hate. "You know what he's like. You know what he does to use, I just wanted to -- dunno, actually. I wanted to show him." Something. He wasn't sure what.

"But that's just it. You weren't thinking of me at all. Not of upsetting me. Not of anything me. You were all filled with him. There's still traces all over." She ran her fingers down his body as if following those traces, but then abandoned the movement and gently kissed him instead. "You can do it to me, you see? You already have."

Well, that was a horrible though. Spike honestly looked devastated. He really wasn't a cheat but ... he had cheated really. Not out of malice or spite but he'd done it. And it wasn't like she didn't do it either, playful or otherwise but somehow, it was just another thing that Angel had over him. "Doesn't matter though, does it?" His voice cracked a little bit but he smiled and tried to ignore it. "Cause we're in love still, right? You're mine and I'm yours... yeah?"

"I'm yours," Drusilla confirmed, while watching his face, concern on her own. She didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't lie to him either. She never would. "I don't know if you are mine. Because you aren't broken and shattered the way I am. So many pieces of me. They can be gathered up by others. Only you treasure them. So I am yours. I'm always yours."

She moved closer to him, curling up against his chest. "But you are different. And you've split."

"I'd never leave you, okay? Curse the bleeding day. There is no one I love more. Ask me to die for you and I'd damn well do it." He was hers. He wanted to be hers. He feared now being hers. Oh God, what if he wasn't? No, no, he couldn't think like that. Life without Dru wasn't possible and he loved her, adored her, as much as he always had. It was just one of those odd moments.

Every bloke had a funny turn. "Dunno how together I am, love. I think I'm just as broken."

Drusilla sighed and finally sat up, keeping a hand on his chest and reaching for the night stand with another. She found the remote and used it to turn on the television, then laid back down, sliding the remote into his hand and resting her head against his shoulder, leaving him to decide what they'd be watching. "Be with me now. Be in me later. You should live in the moment."

Sometimes she wished she could.

College AU

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