[ As soon as he hits the "call" button, Angel regrets pretty much everything down to the moment his parents decided to make a baby in the first place.
Hearing Buffy's voice makes him freeze up completely, and he comes pretty damn close to just hanging up again, but somehow he manages to soldier through. ]
"Think we were pretty much stuck on the 'hi' part of the conversation." Buffy looked at herself in the mirror as she paced up and down in her room, changing her expression to a frown when she caught herself smiling her Angel smile. Damn it.
Because she was Buffy and he would do anything to talk to her, including causing himself intense emotional pain. Maybe Dru had a point about his relationship to pain...
"I guess I'd have to give him points for technique."
Why did he say that???
"Tastes a lot like cigarettes though so the fact that he lunged at me to prove that he doesn't taste bad was pretty much a bust and why am I still talking?"
"Don't worry about it. Frankly, I don't think there is anything you could have said that I'd have wanted to hear. But at least now I know I was right about never wanting to date a smoker."
She sighed, rustling as she shook her head. "He's obsessed with you."
"He was a good kid and I fucked him up, so I guess it kind of makes sense."
Angel scratched his head, mostly to have something to do with the hand that wasn't holding the phone.
"He was trying to prove something with the whole kissing thing, and for some reason he just really speaks to my inner asshole so I had to go and prove something right back. I know that doesn't make it better but... It really wasn't about preferring him over you. There is no comparison. Even if there is some sort of... I don't know, attraction..."
He had to pause after saying that just to shake off the intense feeling of discomfort that saying that brought him...
"You were always enough. I know I've blown it, I know you're with someone else and I really hope you're happy but I... I really need you to know that."
"You know, maybe you should deal with that. That. Attraction." Buffy sighed, then huffed to get a stray strand of her hair out of her face. "Although I really think you can do better than Spike. But what I mean is... I don't know. You could go to one of those meetings Willow goes to some time. Meet people you don't have a sordid history with and that aren't in a BDSM cult."
That just seemed like a smart thing to avoid, all things considered. "Thanks. You were enough too."
More than enough. "I'm with Riley." She knew he knew that.
"I figured being part of a sex cult would take care of that. But that's what I'm saying. Not exactly the healthiest way of coming to terms with any part of you." Buffy still had trouble wrapping her mind around it at all, honestly, but that was beside the point.
"Making out with someone you don't like in a closet also isn't all that healthy." Especially not when it also meant cheating on her.
"If I ever gave you the impression that I think of myself as healthy, I really am very sorry."
You kind of had to be a bit nuts to wrap yourself around the "logic" that had governed his past, and he knew that Buffy was far too... well, good, to ever get it.
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Do you really want to know?
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He brings out the worst in me. The man I was. I got goaded into a power game and in the moment it felt good.
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I must be doing it wrong.
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Buffy, he is not better than you. In any way.
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Maybe you are lying to yourself.
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This is really hard to condense into text messages, you know. Can I call you?
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Hearing Buffy's voice makes him freeze up completely, and he comes pretty damn close to just hanging up again, but somehow he manages to soldier through. ]
Uh. Hi.
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Great start. She heard Angel, sure that he would be able to hear her heart beating, even through the phone.
"Hi."
Eventually she would manage something else.
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She has the loveliest voice in the whole world. He was sure of it.
"So. Where were we?"
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"I asked you if Spike is a good kisser."
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Oh boy. Why was he even doing this to himself?
Because she was Buffy and he would do anything to talk to her, including causing himself intense emotional pain. Maybe Dru had a point about his relationship to pain...
"I guess I'd have to give him points for technique."
Why did he say that???
"Tastes a lot like cigarettes though so the fact that he lunged at me to prove that he doesn't taste bad was pretty much a bust and why am I still talking?"
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No, that wasn't exactly fun to listen to.
"Don't worry about it. Frankly, I don't think there is anything you could have said that I'd have wanted to hear. But at least now I know I was right about never wanting to date a smoker."
She sighed, rustling as she shook her head. "He's obsessed with you."
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Angel scratched his head, mostly to have something to do with the hand that wasn't holding the phone.
"He was trying to prove something with the whole kissing thing, and for some reason he just really speaks to my inner asshole so I had to go and prove something right back. I know that doesn't make it better but... It really wasn't about preferring him over you. There is no comparison. Even if there is some sort of... I don't know, attraction..."
He had to pause after saying that just to shake off the intense feeling of discomfort that saying that brought him...
"You were always enough. I know I've blown it, I know you're with someone else and I really hope you're happy but I... I really need you to know that."
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That just seemed like a smart thing to avoid, all things considered. "Thanks. You were enough too."
More than enough. "I'm with Riley." She knew he knew that.
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Hopefully she could hear the slight smile in his voice. He wasn't trying to be a dick, even if he was being very honest.
"And I don't need meetings to figure out that I'm not straight, if that's what you were trying to get at."
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"Making out with someone you don't like in a closet also isn't all that healthy." Especially not when it also meant cheating on her.
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You kind of had to be a bit nuts to wrap yourself around the "logic" that had governed his past, and he knew that Buffy was far too... well, good, to ever get it.
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Her poor, broken Angel. Well. Not hers anymore. "I'm just saying. It doesn't mean you can't start trying to cope healthily."
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"I know. It's nice of you to care. Still."
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